Sometimes I want to express myself and find a reason of what I am doing, and much more important why I am doing it ? why I am trying always to force myself into writing an article ?
I'll try to be honest with myself and accept the reasons behind my blog, acknowledge that they are wrong reasons and this is the cause that I do not have enough motivation to work towards developing this blog.
First of all I started blogging to be acknowledged by the community as an expert which will lead to getting better projects and eventually more money, so the main ideas behind my blog are money as always, fail !. This one will never give me enough motivation to write even a single word. As a meditator I did get some insides in the nature of things and understood some ancient concepts of life as acceptance and impermanence but the biggest problem is that all this understanding is just intellectually.I do understand that wanting something will bring misery in my life even if I get it, it happened so many times.
Let's examine my progress at my current job, I started as a junior developer, salary was not that big, but after years it has changed many times, it grew many times more, but not directly proportional with my happiness. I can't deny the fact that money makes my life much easier, I do have a lot of possibilities that my siblings don't, and I do have an opportunity to do something that matters. I started to meditate. I do not have the mundane problems of what to eat and how to pay my bills, and this opportunity is created by enough money.
But there is a desire in me, that currently I do not understand and can't properly explain, through reading different books I found the simile of a seed, a tree of goodness which is trying to grow but I kill it each time with thoughts of money and businesses and other bullshit that this world is head full.
Wanting craving, planning, putting enormous amount of effort into plans, denying my true nature it is like swimming upstream, it is futile. But every time I fail into the same traps, over and over again, it is like a vicious cycle that you can't escape and is sucking you deeper and deeper.
Humans are natively good and pure, there is a goodness in them, but year after year I do understand that I bury my seed of good deep in my unconscious mind.
I would like my mastery to be just finding myself, and the journey towards the pure seed inside me that I buried alive in goals, plans illusions, desires.